My wish for sanity

I wish my depression could disappear. Hard I know for that to happen the last 2 years would have to be nonexistent or an angel would have to exist and with such little good people in this world I can only wish. Ironic ain't it. 2 years ago I gave my son up for adoption to an amazing woman who has been such a blessing. I left my family to do this and when I came back my life was upside down. My husband has developed new friendships that broke my heart. I felt broken for a long time I was suicidal I'm not any longer. I almost lost everything. I had not just my family I was looking out for but my boyfriend of 15 years his mom had a stroke and I had to burry my problems deep down and stand straight for awhile. All that caused was for me to feel like the last 17 years had been a lie. Some things have changed but not much I still am unemployed unfortunately. Not for the lack of trying. I put out application after application and never get a call back. My town is a small town so not much to rely on. To get by I work on the side cleaning houses that gets us by even with the added adult that is with us but on the 22nd of June I had a bad miscarriage. Out of nowhere very suddenly. I was hospitalized due to way too much blood loss and a blood pressure too low to discharge. I wasn't able to work during this time period so I am now falling behind on my bills and rent and everything now. I'm low on food. My power is 600 because I defaulted on my payment plan cause I was in the hospital and my water bill is over a hundred. I was supposed to get a blood transfusion but the Drs decided it was better to for me to just take it easy until it did so naturally. It has taken some time about 3 days ago I finally stopped feeling like I was gonna faint like I did during the incident. But now I feel the world closing in with the bills and my 650 rent coming up and no family and no friends(because being alone is safer than relying on anyone at this point). I've had a business idea I've wanted to launch but I'm afraid to share my idea with anyone cause I'm terrified like everything else in my life that will be taken from me. I really just wish for a hand up not a hand out someone who sees I'm trying to better my life but every time I put out one fire I have to put out another. Mainly because I'm looking out for the people I should but nobody has my back. I have applied for aid don't qualify for that and I don't qualify for most grants. The more I slip into a depression because I just can't hold myself above water without emotional support. The worse my depression gets the worst my relationship gets the worse everything gets. I look out for everyone im a good person not to brag but I have literally given my sweater off of my back leaving me to walk home in the rain in just a spaghetti strap because i had more he didn't. I take the time to help even the people that have hurt me the most because everyone does everything for a reason... I simply just want to be able to heal in a healthy way without having to feel like I'm gonna loose everything in my path for sanity. I'm not asking for anyone to give me financial stability I know I have to earn that on my own I am asking for someone to just help me enough to be able to get my stuff together in a healthy fashion. I wish for a hand up not a hand out. Something I can pay forward because just like you good people exist and sometimes they just need some help. However that may come.